When in debt where do you look for guidance?

Based on my past experience one of the key stresses on relationships is when there are financial problems and each person in the relationship is looking to the other for guidance. One is hoping that the other will come up with something to solve the problem. Instead of looking to themselves to solve their problems they look to the other person in the relationship to carry the burden.

While the mantra of ‘we are in this together’ is a powerful one, the reality of most relationships is somewhat different. Debt and money related problems will create a claustrophobic atmosphere in any relationship. Self preservation instincts kick-in in negative ways. After a while it is no longer a case of ‘our’ money problems but more likely ‘his’ or ‘her’ money problems. A split in thinking between the couple becomes apparent and if nothing is done to heal this split then it usually is not long before the split becomes real and permanent and the couple go their separate ways.

For those of you in a relationship that is currently experiencing money and debt problems then it can be very hard to see the ‘wood for the trees’. Your debt problems are probably so big, real and pressing that you do not have the time or perspective to look at the small problems developing in your relationship. This situation is highly understandable but unfortunately it can lead to serious trouble.

What to do?

I’m no relationship expert and I don’t claim to be. What I am suggesting here is based on personal experience, research and huge dollop of common sense.

One of the simplest ways to solve your debt problems and in turn help heal any rift in your relationships is to take the initiative and lead by example.

What this basically means is that you are no longer sitting around looking for others to help you but instead you are out there making it happen for you. Whether this means you getting a new or second job or selling your car for a smaller model or even cutting coupons – it doesn’t matter. It is the fact that you are demonstrating leadership and determination to make right past wrongs. You are out there fighting the good fight. At the end of the day your partner will see that you are taking action and making every effort to turn the situation around.

The hope is that your partner will, having seen your efforts to change, be encouraged to make changes of their own. When this starts to happen and they have made a few changes you can begin to plot a common strategy that both of you can work on. Common goals lead to teamwork and in turn lead to a move away from the blame and shame tactics that are so often used to hurt.

Generally a catalyst is needed to kick start change. In a relationship it can sometimes be the case that change doesn’t happen unless an external force comes into play. I say why not pre-empt change and be that catalyst? By taking the lead you are the one in control and you can direct the flow of action.

Debt is the slow rot that will sink your relationship. The guilt, fear and worry that it brings is enough to unsettle even the most solid of foundations. Stop that rot now. Take the small messy and ugly steps towards paying off your debts. Your actions don’t have to be pretty, clean and clever – they just have to move you in a positive direction.

The more serious you can show your partner that you are about repaying your debt and sorting your finances the more likely you are to stop the rot.